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December 10th, 2016

02:15 pm - Another seasons passed
Another seasons passed
And i still get upset
I still feel insecure
I still dont feel supported
I still rarely feel loved
And maybe thats my fault
(Wouldnt be surprising)

But maybe its not my fault

Either way
I will never admit im struggling
And i dont think youll ever notice

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November 21st, 2016

11:24 am
I feel big
Out of shape

All. Of. The. Time.

I'm fucking tired of hating the way i look

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August 14th, 2016

11:06 am - Drinking
I feel bad for how i act when i drink too much. I hate it.

I hate not being able to remember anything the next day.
I hate how my voice slurs
I hate how i dont take care of you like i should
I hate that i cant handle myself
I hate how i feel the next day

Drinking is okay but getting blackout is not and i hate it and im done

Im sorry for never being myself when i drink.

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July 20th, 2016

02:51 pm - Learning about love
Dearest Nicholas,

I'm beginning to realize that what we have is real and long-lasting. I know sometimes I get upset for what seems like no reason, or that I worry you don't care as much about me as you used to, but you have made it obvious to me that you do care and that that care has not stopped growing since the day we met.

One of the main reasons I love being with you is because we are constantly learning from each other. Every day I feel like I go home with new information about you or about the world in general and that's because we talk and we teach. Even if it's not an obvious "I did this when I was 5.." there are things I pick up on and that keeps things new and exciting (and it's been over two years).

Sometimes I feel bad about the fact that we don't ever do much when we are together. I don't mean that the time we spend together isn't fun or enjoyable, because it certainly is. I just mean that we sit around a lot and don't talk too much when we are together. I worry that that means that you aren't as happy relaxing with me as you are running around with your friends but I have started to figure out that our ability to sit and do nothing is a treasure. Some of the best times I've had with you have consisted of us sitting somewhere and just enjoying the other's company. We don't have to constantly be talking, or moving, or doing anything. We can sit on your back porch in sweatpants in the winter with a heater next to us and not talk and it is an amazing time.

On the other hand, when we do go out for a special dinner or ride around in your jeep to catch pokemon for hours in 100 degree summer heat, it is endlessly entertaining. Anything I find myself doing without you, I wish you were there, and thats because things just seem to magically get more fun when you're around.

The most important thing about our relationship is that we compliment each other and we help one another and we care. There is a constant sense of companionship and love and it is unlike anything I've ever shared before. With you I feel comfortable and safe. You have taught me that it is okay to be myself. You have given me the world and then some and you continue to make my heart flutter in ways I never thought possible.

I wish "I love you" covered what I was feeling but it just doesn't seem to even come close.

Your pal forever,

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July 17th, 2016

09:22 pm
You asked me if i felt like you loved me
I said not all the time.

Sometimes i feel too sensitive and dumb and clueless and unobservant and gross and huge and just
Really really bad
About myself

And you're supposed to help me with that

But you instigate it half the time
Leaving me stuck between needing to feel loved
And wanting to be alone again

Because at least when im alone
No one can make me feel worse

What is wrong with me?

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July 14th, 2016

08:35 pm
Things are good right now
Im out back
The wind is blowing

Its been an okay day.

Nick is in Fairfax VA for training right now and he will be back tomorrow.

I cant wait for him to be back tomorrow.

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June 30th, 2016

07:12 am
I don't think you get it
How i feel
Why i feel that way
What will make me not feel that way

You push and push
And push
And it doesnt make anything better

And maybe thats my fault
But it still doesnt make anything better

You just dont get that

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September 25th, 2015

07:37 pm
You're stressed and i feel bad
Theres nothing i can do
Theres never anything that i can do except sit here and smile and be the only fucking positive person in the room

Try it sometime

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July 9th, 2015

11:21 pm
Sometimes i feel like the way i feel doesnt matter because im not under as much stress as you are. But weight is weight and there is no denying it.

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May 31st, 2015

11:33 pm
im scared. two days ago you were acting like you were done with me. you said you were tired. now, it seems like we're okay. you're telling me you love me, we're getting along just fine. but i'm still worried that you feel a certain way and that you're not telling me. i love you and i just want to know the truth.

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