December 10th, 2016
|02:15 pm - Another seasons passed|
Another seasons passed
And i still get upset
I still feel insecure
I still dont feel supported
I still rarely feel loved
And maybe thats my fault
(Wouldnt be surprising)
But maybe its not my fault
I will never admit im struggling
And i dont think youll ever notice
November 21st, 2016
I feel big
Out of shape
All. Of. The. Time.
I'm fucking tired of hating the way i look
August 14th, 2016
|11:06 am - Drinking|
I feel bad for how i act when i drink too much. I hate it.
I hate not being able to remember anything the next day.
I hate how my voice slurs
I hate how i dont take care of you like i should
I hate that i cant handle myself
I hate how i feel the next day
Drinking is okay but getting blackout is not and i hate it and im done
Im sorry for never being myself when i drink.
July 20th, 2016
|02:51 pm - Learning about love|
I'm beginning to realize that what we have is real and long-lasting. I know sometimes I get upset for what seems like no reason, or that I worry you don't care as much about me as you used to, but you have made it obvious to me that you do care and that that care has not stopped growing since the day we met.
One of the main reasons I love being with you is because we are constantly learning from each other. Every day I feel like I go home with new information about you or about the world in general and that's because we talk and we teach. Even if it's not an obvious "I did this when I was 5.." there are things I pick up on and that keeps things new and exciting (and it's been over two years).
Sometimes I feel bad about the fact that we don't ever do much when we are together. I don't mean that the time we spend together isn't fun or enjoyable, because it certainly is. I just mean that we sit around a lot and don't talk too much when we are together. I worry that that means that you aren't as happy relaxing with me as you are running around with your friends but I have started to figure out that our ability to sit and do nothing is a treasure. Some of the best times I've had with you have consisted of us sitting somewhere and just enjoying the other's company. We don't have to constantly be talking, or moving, or doing anything. We can sit on your back porch in sweatpants in the winter with a heater next to us and not talk and it is an amazing time.
On the other hand, when we do go out for a special dinner or ride around in your jeep to catch pokemon for hours in 100 degree summer heat, it is endlessly entertaining. Anything I find myself doing without you, I wish you were there, and thats because things just seem to magically get more fun when you're around.
The most important thing about our relationship is that we compliment each other and we help one another and we care. There is a constant sense of companionship and love and it is unlike anything I've ever shared before. With you I feel comfortable and safe. You have taught me that it is okay to be myself. You have given me the world and then some and you continue to make my heart flutter in ways I never thought possible.
I wish "I love you" covered what I was feeling but it just doesn't seem to even come close.
Your pal forever,
July 17th, 2016
You asked me if i felt like you loved me
I said not all the time.
Sometimes i feel too sensitive and dumb and clueless and unobservant and gross and huge and just
Really really bad
And you're supposed to help me with that
But you instigate it half the time
Leaving me stuck between needing to feel loved
And wanting to be alone again
Because at least when im alone
No one can make me feel worse
What is wrong with me?
July 14th, 2016
Things are good right now
Im out back
The wind is blowing
Its been an okay day.
Nick is in Fairfax VA for training right now and he will be back tomorrow.
I cant wait for him to be back tomorrow.
June 30th, 2016
I don't think you get it
How i feel
Why i feel that way
What will make me not feel that way
You push and push
And it doesnt make anything better
And maybe thats my fault
But it still doesnt make anything better
You just dont get that
September 25th, 2015
You're stressed and i feel bad
Theres nothing i can do
Theres never anything that i can do except sit here and smile and be the only fucking positive person in the room
Try it sometime
July 9th, 2015
Sometimes i feel like the way i feel doesnt matter because im not under as much stress as you are. But weight is weight and there is no denying it.
May 31st, 2015
im scared. two days ago you were acting like you were done with me. you said you were tired. now, it seems like we're okay. you're telling me you love me, we're getting along just fine. but i'm still worried that you feel a certain way and that you're not telling me. i love you and i just want to know the truth.